LDR – Long-Distance Relationship

   I guess a lot of people wonder what is a LDR. The acronym « LDR » means : Long-Distance Relationship.

   Ah, you got it now, right ? It’s about these people who say they are dating, despite they live miles and miles away from their lover most of the time. You know, these whose we say they are cheating on each other !

  If you still believe that it is really what these couples are, you definitely need to read this article.

 Being in a LDR is to be that much in love with someone that you consider that distance doesn’t matter, and that you are ready to wait for him/her until you both finally get to live in the same country.

   Despite the fact that this kind of relationship is one of the most beautiful and purest ones, a lot of people do critize it, don’t believe in the reality of LDR couples’ feelings, in their trust, or, they are completely misundersanding it. Some others cannot understand how it can exist, because they wouldn’t be able to live the same way.

   As someone deeply concerned by that subject, I wanted to write an article about it, to explain to the ones who can’t understand, and to give tips to the ones who are already involved in it.

   Plus, it’s been a while since I didn’t write a « Talk » !

How do You End Up in a LDR ?!

   There are various ways to get involved in this kind of relationship. As you probably already saw, this blog is mainly focused on langages, so, I will adopt a more specific point of view and won’t talk about military cases.

   Speaking a language often makes you meet a loooot of people. They can be your penpals, people from your homestay, people you met during a trip abroad, tourists who came into your country, that you met at university, etc. …

   In the middle of all these people, it happens that, sometimes, you get to meet a someone. By saying « a someone », I mean a guy or a girl you really get on well with, a person that you appreciate a lot, who attracts you, and… a person you finish by falling in love with. If you are lucky, this person may even be interested in you, and you could end up dating.

   Yes, this is awesome ! You met someone of a different culture, you found love, … This is GREAT !

  But… Wait a minute… You do... not live in the same country. Here is your problem. So, here are your choices :

OPTION #1 : Distance and you… it’s like cats and dogs. The time you spent with your boyfriend/girlfriend was enjoyable, but that’s it. You will continue your life without him/her, or you won’t even go as far as to go out with him/her despite your desire to do so.

OPTION #2 : The love you have for your brand new partner seems amazing, and you can’t think about breaking up because of distance. You will just go through that.

   I chose the second one. Maybe that, one day, I will make you a video to tell you about our love story, which is kind of funny. But, basically, we had known each other for a year and a half, and, we began dating 5 months after I left Japan. We didn’t see each other since then. However, I never regretted that choice that I made.

   To tell you something more about the 2 options, there is a main condition to choose the second one : feeling real love for the other. Yes, that’s the point. Without real love (and one thousand other things I will teach you about after), your relationship won’t last, or both of you are going to suffer a lot.

What is Wonderful about being Long-Distance

   When I made some researches about Long-Distance Relationships, I found that a lot of people was saying that having all the self-dedicated time this kind of relationship gives you was great. To be honest, I would exchange a lot of the me / friends / family times just to see my Japanese lover. But I guess that it is a quetion of point of view.

   Being Long-Distance however gives you plenty of time to get prepared to see your partner again. It, indeed, allows you to spend evenings with your stinky homemade egg-olive-oil-lemon-juice hairmask, or to watch your favourite Disney movies, with messy hair, a big ice cream pot, and this old warm pajama with unicorns or penguins that you love so much Yeah girl, I know you see what I’m talkin’ about, we’re all the same.

   Being that far away from each other may also help you meeting at hours you couldn’t have been able to meet if you were living in the same time zone. For instance, my boyfriend goes to bed and wakes up early, while I can stay up until 2am easily. Therefore, we often skype at French night, so that we can talk longer.

   You shouldn’t either forget that, long-distance means living in different countries, which means having a different culture, and this is a wonderful way to open yourself to a new vision of life ! Your conversation subjects are more various than usual couples, and you can often compare how life is in your respective countries, or people’s way of thinking, …

   As usual Once, I was late like all the French people, and couldn’t eat before skyping with my boyfriend. Starting the call, I brought my plate, and ate in front of him. Actually, this is not something that you are allowed to do in Japan, so he was a bit shocked, and we laughed a lot when he explained that to me. I felt like a savage living in jungle.

   We used to make comparisions between our two cultures and it leads to a lot of funny moments, as Japan and France are… absolutely not the same ! For French people, he would be too prudish, polite, and kind. For Japanese people, I would be too rude, straight-forward, and they would take me for a mad girl, literally.

   Anyway, the more you learn about others, about other countries and ways of life, the more you can develop yourself.

   One main point that you have to care about when you are involved in an intercultural relationship is… the language. Yes, you do not speak the same language, and this can be problematical sometimes, and create a lot of misunderstandings. When I met my boyfriend, I could speak French as my mother tongue, deal with intermediate English, had a pretty good level in Spanish, and I just began Japanese. He was fluent in Japanese (obviously, his mother tongue), but also in English, and he was also speaking German and Chinese pretty well (it is an euphemism). Today, I have a better level at English, improved my Japanese a lot, and began to learn German. To please me, and because he wanted to talk with my family and friends, he has begun to learn French ! Indeed, it is always more pleasant to hear your partner speaking to you in your mother tongue. It feels more comfortable and you have a different link to what he/she will be telling you.

   Funny fact for polyglots : you can go to your partner's country, but keep speaking in your language, so that no one will understand what you will say. As Japanese people are not that good at English, when I was hanging out in Japan with him, we often switched our speech to English, so that no one would understand what we were talking about. Yes, it sounds mean. But let’s be honest : it’s so enjoyable !

How to Survive Distance

   Okay : an other great point of being in a LDR is that your relationship is, from far, stronger compared to others, and the reason is pretty simple. To be able to survive months apart, you have to trust the person you are dating more than anyone else. To date someone you only see once or twice a year, you need trust, love, honesty, passion and faith. These elements are the base of a healthy relationship, but, in a LDR, they have to be respected even more.

   You have to trust the loyalty of your partner : if my boyfriend is telling me that he is not cheating on me, then, I believe him. I have no reason to think that he is not telling me the truth, and if I began to call into question everything he was telling, this would become insane.

   You have to feel real love. LDR means LTR. Am I loosing you ? Okay : long-distance relationship means long-term relationship. If you just want to have fun without making your relationship last, maybe that it is not a great idea to start a LDR, because it would make you suffer. Long-distance means a lot of hardships that only real love can go through. Well, actually, the most important point si that both of you know what kind of relationship you are in. If you want to have fun, make sure that your partner has the same desire.

   As you cannot see each other in real life, you have to communicate. If you want to, don't refrain from telling your lover that you love him/her, that you miss him/her or that you would like a hug from him/her. You should also tell him/her them if you feel sad or angry about something, don’t keep that for yourself. Your partner is there for you, as well as you are there for him/her. It is useless to nurrish hatred while a simple talk could make things go well. If you are not speaking about your feelings, how do you want the other to know about them ? This is not meaning that, if something is wrong between your lover and you, you should follow your impulsivity, but that you should be honest with him/her.
Question : how much did I write "him/her" in this paragraph ? You have 5 seconds !

   You definitely need honesty. Being honest with your boyfriend/girlfriend is very important. Tell them when you are feeling down, you have doubts, your feelings are changing or, if something is annoying you about their behaviour. If I didn’t tell my boyfriend that I needed him to give me more time because I needed to see him more, I wouldn’t have known why he was not calling me a lot, he wouldn’t have made efforts to make me feel better, we wouldn’t have known each other a bit more, and I would have keep chewing alone about that, and making me suffer stupidly.

   Be passionate ! Love crazily, send messages in which you are explaining to your S.O. how much and why you love him/her, send love letters, packages, share songs, movies you like, play games together, have Skype dates, … Do whatever you want to do ! Living at the other side of the world makes the fact that you go a bit too overboard even more enjoyable.

   Send packages, as I already said. Take stuffs from your own country (such as sweets, postcards, books), cute letters, a T-shirt with your smell on it, inside-joke related things, « Open when... » letters, put all this in a box and send it ! Your lover will be very happy to receive something from you.

I made him this for our 6 months. The package got lost for a week
before they finally found it.

   What is also necessary to keep is faith. Believe that time will bring you to your soulmate one day. Don’t be negative : love is wonderful. You just need patience and everything is going to be okay. I often see couples complaining because they won’t see each other for a few months, but trust me, it is not that long. Between the last time I saw my boyfriend and the next, there is more than a year, and some couples who began to date without ever meeting each other have to wait way much more. If you have faith in life (in God, or whatever you believe in), you will fulfill your dreams.

   Remind yourselves memories of when you both were together, what you did at that time, … By doing that, my boyfriend and I understood a looot of things about each other, our feelings and why we behaved as we did. It helped me understand why, when I kind of confessed my feelings to him, he completely friendzoned me. Yes, he told me that I was like a sis for him. Yes, it actually happens in real life too. But, it happened because he thought I was just saying the same thing !

   A while ago, I began a countdown. It was D-293 (yes, I remember. Don’t judge, please). Since then, every single day, when I wake up, I change the numbers. Today, it is D-93. It always makes me feel relieved to change the number of days which is keeping us apart. As soon as you get separated again, you have to decide the dates of your next meeting. It does help a lot because you see your aim, and all you have to do from now is to wait.

Internet, or the Graal of LDR couples

   I couldn’t write an article about LDR without speaking about Internet. It has a huge part in our lives, this is not a secret. Maybe your parents, or relatives have already complained because you were spending too much time on your mobile phone. For my part, I have an excuse which is working wonderfully well : my boyfriend lives 10’000km away from me, and we haven’t seen each other for more than 10 months. Everyone is always getting comprehensive about that ; and this is understandable : the pain of living away from the love of your life sounds awful.

   That’s why Internet is your Graal if you are in a LDR. Your Graal or… the third person in your couple, depends on the point of view ^^’

   This is maybe the way that allowed you to meet your partner, but it is anyway a necessary tool to communicate.

Just seeing this can make my heart beat crazily

The Hard Parts

   I once told some friend of mine that starting a LDR (one hour and a half was keeping them separated from each other most of the time) was alright with the man she met. She got angry, and said that she couldn’t, she was not like me. She said that, for me, it was easy. She was not the first to tell me that. It really surprised me, because let me tell you that it is everything but easy.

   When you are far from your significant other, you live with a constant hole, in your life, in your heart. You would like to call him/her constantly, and you never want to hang up. Sometimes, calling on Skype is simply awful. The voice of your partner is not the same, and, although you can see them, you can’t touch them. You have to forget hugs and kisses, holding hands and physical proximity. Looking into each other’s eyes doesn’t feel the same either.

Illustration by Bored Panda

   I sometimes feel extremely sad. I want to cry all day long, and calling my boyfriend only eases my sadness as long as I talk with him : when he hangs up, I happened to feel like all the light in my life just went away.

   You can add the jet lag to that. From my town to Fukuoka, there is a 7-hour difference in summer, and a 8-hour one in winter. Furthermore, my boyfriend does not have Internet on his phone, so that the schedule during which we can talk to each other is pretty reduced.

   When you feel down, sometimes, the only thing that would help you is a hug. You just want a hug. You are not asking for the moon, but for one simple thing that everyone but you seems to be able to have.

   BUT, if you only think this way, your relationship won’t last. Obviously, some days, it is okay to feel depressed, however, most of the time, you should take your situation the positive way.

How to take it easy

   What is this positive way I was talking about ? It is putting things into perspective. Today, you are apart, but it is not for so long. Maybe a few months, maybe a few years, but it doesn’t matter as long as there is still love between you and him/her. Love knows no boundaries, no borders, no limits.

   Keep in mind that the bond you have with that special person is even stronger than it would have been if you were not long-distance, because you have to keep the relationship working without seeing each other. If you success going through distance, you will go through everything together. You’re doing something great, and one day, all this will appear to you as a very small obstacle.

   Use your time preparing your next trip together. Stay focused on the present. Hic et nunc. Here and now. Sooner than you think, you both are going to be reunited, and it is all going to be even more awesome than you thought.

   I hope you enjoyed this article. Don't hesitate to give your own tips to survive distance in the comments : I'd be very happy to read that !

   See you next week !

A~